The Farstrider Scout

“Let your arms enfold us,
through the dark of night.
Will your angels hold us,
Till we see the light.” – “Prayer” by Secret Garden

I had so much that I wanted to say here, and I was going to get it all down at work, but the sound of the TV drowned out my own thoughts and made that impossible. I’ll try my best, but I promise nothing.

I’m sure that even before I write this, you know my heart, and what I’m feeling, just as I know that what I have been taught is correct over what I think, but I want to get it out… Need to get it out. And this may be one of the hardest things I ever do.

I know I’ve talked to Gina about this, but it didn’t help, at least not entirely, now I’m going to the source, because I’m sure that if anyone understands, You do, because I highly doubt I am alone in my feelings.

Once again, I’ve hit rock bottom, or at least that’s how I feel, yet still I have not been able bring myself to ask for help, or guidance. Whether it’s You trying to get close to me, or me looking to You, I keep pushing away, no matter what. I feel as if perhaps, despite what I’ve been taught, that I do not deserve this, that I should be able to bear this burden, any burden on my own, without help, especially from You.

But now, after talking to Gina, and my father, and realizing that I’ve totally lost my way now, and because of this huge hole in my heart, I think things need to change. Hopefully this is the first step in the right direction. I don’t know, and only time will tell. I’m not even sure that I’m going about this the right way, but at the moment I feel like total shit, have no one to really talk to, unless I disturb someone’s rest, and when I can turn to You and know that You’ll just listen, without judging or anything, then this is the path I choose… Or is it the path that you have set before me? That’s the part I hate, never knowing if it’s predestined, or free will.

I need to start from the beginning though, because I don’t think I’ll feel right unless I do. I’ve never been one to thank You for all the good things in my life, because… I’ve never wanted to believe. Perhaps that is where my gift failed, because I ceased to believe. But You have given me so much, and I cannot thank you enough for all the joy the past five years of my life have been, despite all the pain and heartache that has accompanied with it. I know every road is not without it’s rough parts, and I’m willing to accept that.

But now I’ve hit a rough part that I know I can’t get through alone, because the part of my life that has helped me get through everything else these past few years is gone. It’s not her fault, and I forgive her for everything, because how could not forgive, how could I hate, someone I love so very much? I know she calls me a saint, but I also know that I’m anything but. So I’m asking for help, for the both of us, because I know that she needs it just as much as I, if not more. I ask for guidance, as we both need someone to show us the path we should take, whether it becomes the same path once more, or goes in two completly different directions. Lastly, I want to ask for help for everyone else, for them to understand, and be patient with us, especially Gina’s mother, for she seems to need it most of all.

I don’t expect anything out of this, because even though I am trying to take a step in the right direction, I still have difficulty accepting You, for how can you add to a cup that is already full with something else? From You, all I ask for, ultimately, is patience, and a listening, understanding ear.

Forrest.